Its nice when they are nice

As parents to more than 1 children, one of our desires is to see them being nice to each other, and growing up as good friends.  With my interaction with the neighborhood children who are firstborns, I realised many of them felt resentful towards their parents (especially their mothers), for being ‘unfair’ to them, and ‘favoring’ their younger siblings more.  As such, these firstborns actually try to get their parents’ attention in the negative ways.

Recently the following verse keeps ringing in my mind:

“Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” ~ Eph 6:4 (Amplified Version)

I personally believe that the way we deal with the siblings can provoke them to anger, ie, when we are insensitive to our firstborn’s needs, when we assume that the firstborn has to give way to the younger all the time, when we spend 1-to-1 time with them much lesser with the arrival of subsequent children, when we stop holding their hands thinking that they are older already and can walk on their own independently, etc etc…

On the other hand, I believe that when we are sensitive to the firstborn’s needs, his/her relationship with the siblings can turn out to be even better than their relationship with we their parents. 

Eg, so many times, when we meet friend’s children, esp when they have little babies,  we will tend to give our attention to the babies or the younger siblings.  In fact, many times, we don’t even talk to the older children.  But for me, I have this little and simple practise, ie, I try my best to remember to greet and talk to child no. 1 first before giving attention to the younger children.  Just a simple gesture to let the older child know that they are still important.

There are things that I do hoping to help EZ get along better, and some of them are:::

Toy Sharing House Rule (1): Whoever touches the toy first will get to play it first.

When out with other children, I expect both my children to take care of little ones. But at home, I have a different set of rules for them.  Right from day 1 of Z’s birth, I didn’t expect E to give way to her.  I felt that I will only cause E to have resentment towards Z if I expect him to give up his toys just because Z wants to play them.  (children usually want what others is play isn’t it?!)  Our house rule is, whoever touches the toy first will get to play it first, the other simply have to wait.

When Z was a baby, I used distraction to lure her away from what E was playing.  As she grows and is able to understand instruction, I start to verbalise to her that “Gor Gor got the toy first, you will have to wait for your turn.”

Toy Sharing House Rule (2): Be prepared to play together, if not, go to the room, close the door, and play alone.

What about toys that are meant or can be played together, eg, train track construction, kitchen set, etc.?

If any child is not willing to play and share, he/she will have to play alone in the room.

Mei mei to the rescue

When E was younger and was sent for time-out due to some discipline issue, I will get Z to ‘rescue’ him at the end of the time-out period. 

Still try to hold the firstborn’s hand when out and about

Don’t couples hold hands?  Don’t we feel good when we hold our spouse’ hands?  I believe likewise for children.  They want us to hold their hands.

With my hubby’s busy travelling schedule, this is probably why I can only have 2 children since I only have a pair of hands.  But in households with more than 2 children, both parents should try to hold the firstborn’s hand when out and about.

I don’t hold E’s hand all the time, certainly not when he has his friends with him.  He won’t want it anyway.  But when it is just me with EZ, but I consiously try to remember to hold him as well.

Continue reading to firstborn even though he/she can already read

Even though E can already read independently, I still read to him during our nightly reading ritual.  Instead of 3 story books that we used to do, I read a chapter from his story book.

Continue to cuddle the firstborn

I still cuddle and chit chat with E during bedtime.

Be consious about firstborn’s achievements

We tend to cheer babies more since they have more visible milestones.  But that doesn’t mean that the firstborn is stagnant in his learning curve.  Be especially alert to praise when older sibling do nice things to the younger ones.

Both get punished

Somehow, I believe that when there is any quarrel or differences, most of the time, both parties are at fault.  So, both get punished.

We need God

Certainly the most important.

Anyway…

Yesterday night, while I was busy applying henna to my hair , E was teaching Z his sunday school songs, and they were both happily singing, dancing and doing the actions to the song.  E also  patiently taught Z to fly the remote control toy helicopter.  I thought he would become impatient, but he didn’t.  In fact, he was praising Z for the little achievements she made.  When the batteries went flat, both decided to start reading their books.  Again, E happily volunteered to read to Z.  He was so happy to read to her that he volunteered to do the same today again.

It was really heart-warming to see siblings playing nicely with each other, and just being kind.  There are times when EZ’s bikering (blinkering typo error ) can drive me to hide myself in the room, or even yell at them, there are also times like this when they are so nice to each other than it felt as if I’m in heaven.

I believe that siblings will always have issues with each other, but we as parents, together with God’s partnership, can make it easier for them to get along